footfalls

today put things into perspective for me. it's not very difficult seeing things from various angles and then being relatively shocked when you see it all coming together in one very short piece of your life. life's not short,the way you live it makes up all the distance and time and speed in your life. i feel as though this year was such a fast year in such a short distance that my speed decelerated when it should have had accelerated. i got retained. it's not something to be proud of. i'm dissapointed whenever the day i got the letter crosses my mind. i feel so sad that when i think of rameza,naqeah,delvin,ailia... it all has to be associated with that day as well. can there truly be no happy memories without any sad ones? so many things happened this year. so many things that i wanted to happen this year. so many things that happened without me realising them this year...

i wanna talk to somebody. it really pains me when i wanna talk to somebody and then they make assumptions over what i want to say or what it means. it doesn't mean anything! it's not supposed to! it just... is. it's not something i want analysed or critisised. it's just the way i wanna be. is that so hard to believe? i don't want you saying " yeah,me too!" it really doesn't make me wanna get closer to you. if anything,it scares me. it scares me that i'll get too close to someone and that that someone will eventually break my heart. yeah,i know. i'm a coward.
when i saw my granddad talking to my grandma in india in a way that my dad never talks to my mum,it put things into a perspective. it tells me that no matter how hard anybody tries,you can't force love. you find it and then you let it go. cuz the more you hold on,the more it's gonna hurt you. it's like being tied to a bullock cart. first it's just a slight ruffling and then when it goes further deep south,you start aching but you can't stop until the bullock cart stops. in retrospect,obviously,there are so many things i could have done or said to prevent so many things from happening. but in some weird twisted way,i'm glad they did. footfalls finally mark my place...